My soul has been weary. I dream about being someone else, having a new identity, going into witness protection. What I’ve been witnessing isn’t pretty. I need protection.
Decisions should never be made when life is too heavy. Such decisions arise out of panic, not reason. A knee jerk reaction to life can end up kicking one’s own behind. Staying calm in a world full of crazy is more than a challenge. Last night, in my sleep, both knees and legs start dancing like fleas in a hot skillet. Poor husband, who is awake staring at the cracks in the ceiling and pondering their significance, witnesses his wife appear to run while laying down. Sleeping with me is never boring.
The timing of this activity is everything.
Just the other day, I was demonstrating to my husband what HIS jimmy leg is like. When he is overly tired, he has a leg that jerks in a pattern that eludes my capture. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen often. If I’m not asleep when it starts, I have to move to the couch to get some shut eye. Now in addition to hitting him in the head, sitting up and giving commands, raising my hand and talking about absolutely anything in my sleep, I can add running…sleep running. I’m way ahead in this insane contest of who can be the most active bed partner.
My husband has my deep and sincere sympathy. I’d have a hard time sleeping with me.
Notice how I went from soul weary to challenges with self-acceptance. I’ve been miserable struggling with both and seeing little if any progress, until today.
Today, I had met 3 strangers who gave me messages of hope and one hug. In those brief meetings, all excess fell away, all the struggle began to have a meaning, even if I can’t see it yet. While I’ve felt like I’ve been sleep walking through a nightmare, I have been busy. I have been making a positive difference in ways that I failed to understand. And the world, that I often find so inadequate has been busy showing me the things that I need to see, even when I didn’t want to see them.
For days, I refrain from writing because, the words aren’t beautiful or inspiring. They are heavy and full of whining. I want to write more. I want to give some thing beautiful, some thing precious and hopeful in my words and when I can’t I feel frustrated and empty inside. At the same time, it is important to me to be REAL. No sugar coated platitudes, or simple-minded denial for this gal.
As my evening begins I find these words on Pinterest:
“So build yourself as beautiful as you want your world to be. Wrap yourself in light and give yourself away with your heart, your brush, your march, your art, your poetry, your play. And for every day your paint the war, take a week and paint the beauty, the color, the shape of the landscape you’re marching towards. Everyone knows what you’re against. Show them what you are for.” — Andrea Gibson, Evolution
God’s timing is perfect. I’m going to write my world beautiful! It’s time to remind myself what I’m for.