It’s 10:16 before I crawl out of bed the second time. Once the kids were off to school my enthusiasm to begin the day left with them. I crawled back under the warm covers and slept again until 10:16. This is not the morning of a go-getter.
I wake up and chide myself for this dangerous self-indulgence. This type of self-indulgence sings a siren song that calls me to itself. It is not productive or helpful. It leaves me feeling empty, used and useless. I should know better than to answer its call but this morning the comfort of a soft, warm bed was all that mattered.
Finally, I shower and get ready for the day. It feels as if it is half-over and so does my life. As I sit to write. I worry that I am being too candid. What are my motives for such self-disclosure. Does it serve a purpose greater than my own need to share and be heard?
As I sit with all these thoughts and doubts, a song begins to play on Pandora. I believe that music is the language of the soul and captures feelings so much better than words. I fill pieces of my day with this soul language and am never sorry that I indulged in this little pleasure.
“Roll Away Your Stone” the song says. I realize it is time for a mini-self-resurrection. I know the direction I want to go. I know my reluctance. I know what must be done in order to move forward. It is as simple as moving forward which isn’t so simple when you don’t feel like getting out of bed. That simple action becomes all the more important when the real battle you wage is taking place within yourself.
I think of the triumph that awaits. It promises me so much more than the awareness that 10:16 a.m. symbolizes this cool autumn morning. That warm soft bed did feel very good. It welcomed me with open arms. When I crawled out of it, I felt ashamed. I’d indulged in a promiscuity of the spirit. I’d lay down with inaction, sorrow, reluctance, despair and I lost my innocence.
As the warm, late morning shower rinsed the mist out of my mind, I began to see what has to be done. Time is slipping away. Then, the day graced me with a song that came with a message. I need to roll back my stone, get up and walk. I am Lady Lazarus. I have more living to do.