Loyalty


“We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.”
― G.K. Chesterton

Weeks have themes.  This last week, I’ve grappled with the idea of loyalty.  How easily it is misplaced.

So, I spent part of the week using the click, block, hide and delete functions on my keyboard and social pages.  At least, it felt like action.  Underneath it all, I was feeling hurt and more than a little helpless.    The ‘terrible loyalty’ Chesterton speaks of seemed terribly lacking.

Some how using block, hide, delete did feel empowering.  I was tired of accepting less than what I deserved.  I was tired of expecting less from myself, for myself.   I needed to delete more than names or posts.  I needed to delete the limited thinking that was keeping me trapped.

Block. Hide. Delete… is the first step. Now to apply it to my thinking.

It didn’t take long for life to provide the opportunity.  Co-workers irritated me.  My kids frustrated me.  Friends disappointed me.  I was really annoyed with my husband.  In my mind, I saw myself loaded down with baggage standing before a solid wall of brick.  There, more animal than human, I bash my head against it.  How I wanted to indulge this anger.  I wanted to roll around in it, throw it up in the air and catch it in my mouth.

Sadly, I’ve tasted this anger before, more times than I can ever count and it tastes awful: bitter, sharp, tainted.  Swallowing it was out of the question.  An effective poison kills once.  Anger kills over and over again.  It destroys us from the inside out and it can be extremely contagious.

This didn’t stop me from ignoring what I already knew.  I tried to indulge it anyway but that still small voice that likes to speak in my heart was whispering loudly.

“Anger,” it said, “is the easy way out.  You don’t have to accept responsibility for your own life and happiness.  Blame it on others and you give your power away.”

Sometimes I hate that small voice, at least at first.  It can take the wind out of my sails faster than anyone I know.  Being angry, feeling justified was ruined.  It had been effectively blocked.  I was on my way.  I couldn’t go back.  I was trying to blame others.  I was trying to make then responsible for my happiness by believing they were making me unhappy. Happiness is more of a choice than I was willing to accept. Yet, there it was.

Blocking anger wasn’t enough.  I needed to hide from the negative thinking that was trying to resurrect it.  The darkness within me was trying to call it forth.  Anger  is the zombie of the soul.  I decided not to fight this crazy zombie but to hide from it.    Hiding isn’t always the coward’s way out.  Some times it’s a wise decision especially if you’re outnumbered.

Like the calm student of zen, I acknowledge my feelings as if they were passing leaves floating on a river’s current.  I give them a nod and a Mona Lisa smile and think of the Dalai Lama and David Carradine from the Kung Fu TV show.  Those lovely flashbacks when Kane (Carradine) was a child and learning wisdom from the Shaolin master.  I am now the Grasshopper.  My better self/God, become the Shaolin master who can not be ignored.  Wisdom can be found in the oddest places.

Delete.  Maybe the willingness to delete those things from my life that are not working is enough.    Deleting the limited thinking may not be possible nor desirable.  Maybe all it needs is a passing nod and the courage to move pass it.

Hide, block, delete.

“We are all in the same boat, in a stormy sea, and we owe each other a terrible loyalty.”
― G.K. Chesterton

Loyalty begins and ends with me.  It is a terrible, wonderful thing.

 

 

 

I am the person behind the words printed here. I write because my heart will not allow me the option of NOT writing. It has taken me half a life time to discover this basic truth, but now that I have, writing is as natural as breathing. This is where my breath takes the form of words.

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The Miracle Morning: The Not-So-Obvious Secret Guaranteed to Transform Your Life (Before 8AM)
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