The urge to put words to paper often overcomes me. Then, I remember how uncomfortable I became, how opening oneself up and putting it out there for the world to see put me at risk and contributed to what was to follow.
Not everyone liked what I wrote. Writing and sharing made my world less friendly, more hostile. Yet, I opened myself up to it knowing what was likely and was still surprised when the inevitable happened. Maybe, I was looking for a reason to stop. I had begun to feel as if I had nothing to say, nothing of value to suggest. If I made others responsible for not writing, I didn’t have to face what I felt about what I was producing. Writing had become a way of making myself feel better at a time in my life when so many things were falling apart.
At this extremely challenging time in my life, I have learned a great deal about human nature. People who I expected to be loving and supportive are not. I had to process the hurt, the grief and find hope.
I, who can easily sit in judgment of others found myself at the end of others poor opinion. I was blamed for my own problems, given loads of advice and experienced rejection and anger when I wouldn’t do what others thought I should. Since, I’m not exactly new to this earth, you would think I’d have been better prepared.
I am the first to admit that yes, humans, me included, often create problems for ourselves and then invest lots of energy into maintaining them. Problems become a mantel we don’t break through. We allow problems to define us. They give us reasons to stop striving, to stop reaching beyond ourselves, to stop growing.
For a long time, I’ve been stuck in trying to figure out why others outside the problem have such an emotional investment in it. As interesting as the answer may be, it really isn’t important. Their reactions are their responsibility. I have enough on my plate. I allowed my problems to become excuses. Problems can be reasons but when they become excuses something is wrong.
My limited readership is most engrossed in what I write when I write honestly about the nuts and bolts of my life. While I prefer distant, philosophical fluff, it isn’t nearly as interesting. I’m afraid to write about the real and maybe that is the only reason that I should.
My writing is imperfect. I am often embarrassed by it but I can write moderately well and I feel drawn to do so. I know what it’s like to be me. I spend a lot of time thinking. I spend a lot of time finding ways to cope. This is something I know a lot about. This is what I will try to share in the days and weeks ahead. The world is often a cold and hostile place. Some times that hostility and indifference comes from those close to you. As painful as this can be, it provides an opportunity for growth, a chance to rise above. It can open a pathway to being a more loving presence in a world desperately in need of redemption and love.
Violence begets violence.
Hate fuels hate.
Negative talk creates negative thoughts and feelings.
Love is the only force that can heal.
Love can be tough. It may not look like love. Love may create boundaries and say “no.” People may accuse you of being unloving, of not doing the right thing. They may tell you that you’re wrong or selfish. They can be wrong. Dead wrong.
It’s time to face my fear and begin again.
(Now, to tackle my fear of falling through the sub roofing and get up there with Andy to see if we can get some tarp to cover the roof where the rain is pouring in. Welcome to my world. There is rarely a dull moment.)