“You are a powerful agent of change in the world,” says the voice in my head.
“I don’t feel very powerful,” I reply.
“Feelings aren’t reality,” the voice says. “They just paint reality with bright colors.”
My mind flashes on pictures by abstract artists who cover canvas in bold-layered colors.
“Hey, I’m not finished talking to you yet,” the voice says with a smile.
The voice knows me so well. The voice knows how quickly my mind wanders off.
“You are a powerful agent of change in the world.” The voice knows that repetition matters.
I try to argue but I’ve got nothing. So I listen.
“I don’t want to accept my power this morning. With it comes responsibility. I want to coast. It’s so much easier.”
As soon as the words are formed, I see that I’m making excuses.
“Ok,” says the voice. “If you decide to coast today, how will that make you feel? Is that what you want?”
“No,” I reluctantly reply. “Coasting leaves me feeling like a victim battered by life and circumstance. I’ve had enough of that. I’m an expert in negativity… a former expert. Been there. Done that.” I cryptically add.
Taking a deep breath, I imagine that I’m breathing in strength enough for the day. I concentrate on my breathing, relaxing into its steady rhythms. Strength flows to my toes and fingertips. I feel it gently exiting the top of my head and then cycling back through my heart. I’m tempted to close my eyes and take it all in but since I’m walking on a trail in the rain, these seems like less than a good idea. Instead, I note the feeling of life and love surging through me. I treasure this time, this walk in the rain, this feeling, this awareness.
If only I could give this experience to others. If only I could write about it in a way to touch an aching heart, to soothe a troubled mind, to ease a suffering soul.
“Try,” says the voice.
I walk on. In my mind, I lift up those people who seem to need something that I can not give. These people form a wall of challenge to me. I like harmony. I avoid conflict. I’m not good at setting boundaries. These are the souls that push my buttons, that catch me off guard, that can hurt my feelings, that try my soul. Reacting is easy. Responding is hard but responding is so much sanier, better, more powerful, kinder.
“You are a powerful agent of change in the world.”
“Ok, Voice. Let’s do this. Take the lead. I’ll follow.”
This isn’t going to be easy. Doubt tries to creep in. I build a wall against doubt. Doubt could ruin everything. I acknowledge doubt and move past it.
“You are a powerful agent of change in the world.” I begin to repeat this to myself over and over.
The words fall into an easy cadence with my steps. I breathe them in and out.
“Yes,” I whisper in the rain. I lift up my heart and begin the day again.