I’m a better lover than a fighter. Lately, I’ve been doing too much resisting. Focusing on the lack and not the abundance.
So, this morning, I stumble toward the shower, shuffling like a stiff old man on Thorazine. There, with sleep threatening to pull me under, I pray with words of desperation,
“God help me. God help us.”
A groan may have provided punctuation. I’m not sure. I couldn’t remember washing my hair so I washed it twice and let the water wash over me as I struggled to figure out what do I do next. The answer, clear and strong was simply this, “Give up.”
“Are you kidding me? This runs counter to everything I’ve been reading and what I’ve been told. I can’t just give up.” Inside my head the words came quickly.
“I must be losing my mind.” I think to myself.
“That would be a cop-out,” I hear in response. “Oh, and giving up doesn’t mean you stop trying,” the voice adds.
I’m starting to feel annoyed. “Alright, I’m a little confused. You’re going to have to clarify this for me. I don’t have a clue where this is headed.”
Maybe clues are reserved for those who are more awake. I go back to trying to figure out where I’m at in my shower routine . Oh, time to shave my legs. The razor hits the shower floor not once, not twice but three times. I sigh.
“Stop focusing on the outcome. It’s all about the process. Not everything depends on you. You certainly can’t figure everything out. You’ve got to let go of all the mental energy you pour into things. The end result doesn’t define your worth. Most things in life have too many variables. You’re not enjoying the process and you’re making yourself miserable. You’ve got to give up!”
As I put the end back on the razor, I understand. I respond in absolute silence. The warm shower feels good. I stop worrying about the routine and what needs to be done and tell myself that no matter the outcome, I’m going to do everything I can to enjoy the day ahead.
I’ve prayed in the shower while I shaved my legs (Yeah! multi-tasking!)
I’ve had a wonderful visit with an old friend. (R. I love you!)
Got some valuable information from a dear newer friend. (Love you too, L.)
Had a nice conversation with a neighbor. (Miss you when you move, N. )
Made cupcakes and lunch.
Wrote a blog entry.
I’ve spent too much of my last few weeks making myself miserable because of all the things I wasn’t doing and how things just aren’t working out. I focused on what was wrong. I whined. I complained. Playing worse case scenario made me miserable. Being angry at other people just eats me up inside. These are the things I need to give up. I surrender.