I’ve missed writing. Words empower me but for a long time I have felt weak, defeated, a victim.
I allowed myself to become all those things. I even sent out a few invitations to my pity party.
Fortunately, nothing lasts forever. I started to get angry, first at others and then myself. I was not very nice.
On a recent day, when my internal judge and jury reared its head and pronounced silently in the courtroom of my mind, that the people I was with at the moment were a mess, the wiser part of me stepped forward quickly and said, “You’re a mess too.”
Wise me was right. I didn’t want to admit it. I started listing all the challenges in my life in hopes of building a case for myself. What was I trying to justify? Victimhood? Dysfunction? I deleted that list quickly. There goes that blog entry.
Time passes. I still wanted my fingers to flutter across the keys while words appear like magical rows of expression but I won’t let it happen. I don’t feel worthy. I don’t feel powerful.
Finally, a breakthrough. . . (which is a lot better than a breakdown.)
When this morning’s alarm went off introducing a chorus of guttural groans into my slumber, I stumble to the shower only to catch an unwelcome glance at myself in the mirror.
Internal judge and jury quickly announce “you look like a sack of potatoes!”
Wiser me tries to temper my unflattering announcement but gives up quickly. I do look a bit like a sack of potatoes in which a few of the potatoes are not yet done shifting.
Finally, in the shower, the image of a burlap sack with a few loose potatoes falling into odd places made me smile. There, in that little cathedral of soap scum and creeping mildew, I knew that in my weakness and imperfections lie my greatest strength. Life and potatoes had distracted me.
As I shuffle into evening, I find this quote in the book I’m reading.
I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is make perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
Need I say more?