So much of my life has been based in want, lack of abundance, need.
This last week in an overwhelming moment of need and anxiety, I knelt along side my bed and prayed the simplest of prayers,
“God help me. God help us.”
It felt a little dramatic. My knees ached. I got up slowly. My body hasn’t been a temple. Its been more of a dump. Immediate feedback from the Almighty was a deafening silence. I crawled into bed and fell into an exhausted sleep.
A few days forward and I awake before all others. There are a hundred different tasks that await me but the call to sit and open myself up to listen to the Divine are too great. I’ll feel guilty if I don’t comply. This feeling opens into an abyss of obligation and responsibility. Its weight presses on the top of my head. My head throbs in reply. My body isn’t a temple. I am guilty. Mea culpa. Mea maxima culpa.
The memory of my recent knee-position plea to God for help surfaces with an unusual strength. I felt a little silly then and I feel more silly now. My noisy mind resists these moments of quiet. It raises up an annoying static of negative self talk and recriminations. Some times, my mind is a real drag.
Suddenly, one thought becomes crystal clear. All this mind noise has been a huge distraction. It creates a poverty within. It fills me with unfulfilled desire, inadequacy and pain. They are illusions. The shift in my life that I’ve been praying and longing for isn’t something external. It is a change in being. The circumstances and events that have felt like burdens, like punishments, are vehicles of growth and change. My life isn’t flawed. I am not tragically flawed. My perceptions have created limits, walls of misery. My perception has been limited. My life is filled with opportunity.
Desperately, I want to avoid the reality of this last sentence. I squirm under the responsibility until I suddenly realize that this too is the product of faulty perception. The ledger of my life won’t be filled with monetary entries outlining my lack and how I overspent. No, my ledger will detail the economy of being. What did I become when life provided me the opportunity for growth and development. How did I deal with the challenges I encountered? Did I expand or contract?
The barrier between me and who I want to be is largely illusion. I keep showing up for this party in a tattered costume with a mask covering who I am. No wonder I’m not having any fun.
On a sunny Sunday morning, in a sleepy peaceful silence, I receive a pure gift, a splinter of enlightenment. I am enough. Life awaits.